In our fast-paced world, the pressure to say yes is huge. But the truth is, always saying yes and trying to please people isn’t sustainable. It’s a one-way ticket to burnout, resentment, and potentially mental health problems.
Research shows that overcommitment is a widespread problem. A 2020 study by the American Psychological Association (APA) found that
75% of young adults report feeling so overwhelmed by their daily responsibilities that they can’t do anything anymore.
This statistic isn’t surprising given how deeply ingrained the fear of saying “no” can be. Let’s explore the art of saying no: why we struggle to say “no,” how to overcome those barriers, and practical strategies to help you say “no” confidently and effectively.
Table of Contents
Why Is It So Hard to Say No?
Understanding the root of the problem is the first step toward solving it. Here’s the thing: the struggle to say “no” is often tied to deeper psychological factors.
Can’t say no due to anxiety
For many, it’s a reflection of anxiety, either generalised or social. When you’re worried about letting others down or being judged, saying “no” feels like a risk. Social anxiety, in particular, can amplify this fear, making even a simple refusal feel like a potential rejection.
Can’t say no due to low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can play a big part. When we don’t value ourselves, our own time, and our energy, we’re more likely to say “yes” to others at our own expense. This pattern can lead to a vicious cycle, where overcommitment reinforces feelings of inadequacy, making it even harder to say “no” next time.
Can’t say no due to depression
Depression, too, can contribute to this struggle. The desire to avoid conflict or the fear of being seen as “difficult” can make saying “no” feel unbearable for those navigating depression’s heavy emotional burden.
Can’t say no due to fear of rejection
For individuals with high rejection sensitivity setting boundaries can be particularly challenging. The fear of abandonment or rejection often leads to overaccommodation, even at the cost of personal well-being. Working through these underlying challenges with a psychologist can help you master the art of saying no. Oftentimes, saying no is the right thing to do.
The Art of Saying No – Tips to Say No with Confidence
If you’re ready to start saying “no,” let’s talk about how to do it effectively. The art of saying no isn’t about being abrupt or harsh; it’s about setting boundaries with clarity and kindness.
One thing to remember: practice makes the master. Initially the art of saying “no” will feel awkward, but with practice, it gets much easier.
General Rules on How to Say No
Direct and Straightforward, a Clear No
Avoid ambiguity. Instead of saying, “I might be able to help,” say, “I’m not available to help with this.” Clarity prevents misunderstandings and unnecessary follow-ups.
Imagine a colleague asking for your help with a last-minute project. You’re already juggling multiple deadlines, but instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t help,” you hesitate and say, “Maybe, but I’m really busy.” This indecision sends mixed signals and may encourage them to push harder. It is easier to be clear and honest. A straightforward response like, “I can’t assist because I’m working on a report due soon,” is respectful and leaves no room for misinterpretation.
Don’t Stall for Time
Stalling can lead to frustration for both. For instance, if a friend asks you to join a committee and you respond with, “Let me think about it,” when you know you have no intention to commit, you’re prolonging the inevitable. Instead, be upfront: “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t take on any more responsibilities right now.”
Tips to Say No Easier
Switch “Yes” to “Let Me Check”
If you say “yes” too often, buy yourself a specific amount of time. When someone asks for your time, pause and say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you in 10 minutes.” This gives you space to consider your true availability and interest. It is not stalling for time, you have a specific deadline to think about it.
Ask them to Follow Up Later
If you can’t decide if you actually have time to engage, ask the requestor to check back with you. For instance, “I can’t help right now, but let’s touch base next week when my schedule is clearer.” This still shows willingness while managing your current commitments – without saying “yes”.
Remember, if you know you will not commit, it’s more respectful and practical to say no upfront.
Replace “No” with Another Word
Sometimes, saying “no” directly can feel harsh. If a family member asks for help with a move, instead of a flat “no,” try saying, “I’d love to help, but I’m swamped with work this weekend.” This approach softens the refusal while still setting a boundary.
Modified No – Partial yes
If a “no” still feels too difficult, offer a partial but specific yes. For example, “I can’t take on the whole project, but I can review the first draft.” This shows a willingness to assist without overcommitting.
Own Your Decision When Saying No
When declining a request, express it as a personal choice. Instead of saying, “I can’t,” say, “I don’t want to.” For example, if a coworker asks you to cover their shift, you might say, “I’ve planned to spend that time with my family, so I’ll have to decline.”
Avoid Lying About Your Availability
Honesty is key. If you’re asked to attend an event you’d rather skip, say, “I want to spend my weekend relaxing at home, but let’s try again next time” This honesty respects both your time and the requestor’s feelings.
Offer an Alternative
If you can’t help directly, suggest another solution. If a friend asks you to help with their pets, you might say, “I can’t dog-sit this weekend, but I can recommend a great pet-sitting service.”
Suggest Another Better Qualified Person
Sometimes, directing the requestor to someone more suited for the task is the best option. If a colleague asks for advice on a technical issue, instead of trying to deal with something you don’t quite know how to do, leading to frustration, you might say, “I’m not the best person for this, but XY at the tech department can help.”
Describe Your Lack of Bandwidth
Be transparent about your schedule. If a friend asks for help moving and your day is packed, explain, “I have meetings and deadlines all day, so I can’t assist today.”
The Art of Saying No Without Over-Explaining
Keep your refusals simple. Over-explaining can sound like an excuse. If you’re asked to attend a party and you don’t want to go, avoid saying something like, “I can’t make it because I have to wash my hair and reorganise my closet.” This kind of over-explanation sounds insincere and can damage your credibility. A clear, “I’m already overcommitted,” is respectful and sufficient. We don’t really need excuses that aren’t true, honesty builds trust and respect.
Sit with the Guilt
Saying “no” will feel uncomfortable at first, and it’s normal to feel guilt initially. However, this guilt stems from breaking the habit of always saying “yes,” rather than from doing something wrong. Setting boundaries is a healthy practice, not a selfish act!
Unfortunately, guilt can sometimes push us to agree to things that aren’t in our best interest, leading to stress and burnout. By accepting our guilt as a normal side effect of changing habits, we can manage our feelings and reactions better. Remember, it’s okay to prioritise your well-being.
With practice, setting boundaries will become more natural. Over time, you’ll find that saying “no” allows you to focus on commitments that truly matter to you. Embrace the initial discomfort, it’s telling you that things are changing and you are mastering the art of saying no!
Final Thoughts
The art of saying “no” is a skill that takes time and practice, but it’s important for protecting your time, energy, and well-being. By understanding the reasons behind your reluctance and using effective strategies to decline requests, you’ll reclaim control over your life and create space for what truly matters. Remember, saying “no” isn’t selfish, it is self-respect. And the more you practice, the easier it will become. So take a deep breath, stand your ground, and say “no” with confidence. You’ve got this!
Please note that this blog post by Personal Psychology, psychologists on the Lower North Shore is not intended to provide professional advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health difficulties, it is important to seek help from a qualified healthcare professional.
