“The ick” is a sudden and intense feeling of disgust or repulsion towards someone, especially during the early stages of dating. This feeling can come unexpectedly, or from an awareness of certain unpleasant traits or behaviours in another person. The ick can be a powerful force that leads to immediate distancing from the partner, often resulting in the termination of a relationship – or even avoiding further communication.
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While “the ick” used to be associated with TV shows, describing a specific reason for the lack of attraction to someone, these days it’s particularly prominent on social media, such as TikTok – just look at the proliferation of hashtags related to the concept!
The ick can be seen as a modern take on the opposite of “butterflies” in the stomach, which traditionally referred to feelings of romantic attraction. The ick, however, represents a sudden and overwhelming aversion that can quickly turn romantic attraction into repulsion. This shift is often attributed to a heightened sensitivity and complexity of modern dating, where potential partners may need to navigate many factors before making a genuine emotional connection.
How did the ick become a thing?
Let’s start with the obvious: the ick wasn’t always a thing, it became one over time. To understand how new concepts are created and accepted, we can look at them through the social construction of reality lens, defined by Berger & Luckmann in 1967. According to this, new things become accepted in three stages, externalisation (planting the seed), objectification (accepting the idea), and internalisation (part of me now).
Externalisation: the “ick” being introduced to the public. This could be through a single comment made by a television show host or a character on a popular series. The comment might have been obscure or specific to the show’s context, but it planted the seed of the idea. This stage is about the initial communication of the concept or idea that later evolves into a trend.
Objectification: As the idea starts to gain traction among viewers and internet users, it begins to be noticed and discussed more frequently. The subjective knowledge about “ick” starts to evolve into established, institutionalised knowledge. This could involve fans and commentators on social media platforms using the term to refer to a specific reaction or sentiment, thus objectifying it. The “ick” starts to take on a life of its own in online communities and becomes a recognisable cultural reference. At this point, we understand what others mean about the ick, but we may not experience it. Yet.
Internalisation: the concept of “ick” gets deeply embedded in popular culture. It has been internalised by many segments of society, and people have started to use it in their everyday conversations and social interactions. This is evidenced by its widespread adoption, such as in casual relationships and conversations, social media comments, and radio shows. Suddenly it becomes an acceptable or even expected response to certain situations. The term has been projected back into reality, becoming a part of the cultural lexicon. Part of us.
The sudden feeling of the ick for someone
The initial stages of dating are full of emotions, expectations, and fears. The ick is most likely to appear during these times. At first, we are most likely in an infatuation stage with a person. This stage is characterised by a focus on positive qualities and a strong desire to form a connection.
What goes up has to come down, however. The second stage involves the recognition of negative or undesirable traits in the person or situation that were previously overlooked or ignored. This recognition can be sudden and unexpected, leading to a feeling of disgust or repulsion.
The final stage involves a high emotional response to the recognition of these negative traits. This often leads to a strong aversion or “the ick,” which can manifest as a desire to distance oneself from the source of the repulsion. This stage may also involve feelings of guilt or uncertainty about the rejection, as well as attempts to rationalise or justify the sudden shift in feelings.
Why do I feel the ick – it is more about us than the other person
The list of icks on social media is endless at this point, ranging from feeling repulsed by someone drinking milk, walking downhill, or trying to learn a new sport. We could say that those things are real problems, and people should be more self-aware when doing certain things.
However, the truth is less appealing: the ick is not about others’ behaviours, it’s about our fears.
More specifically, our fears of getting close to others, developing real intimacy, and potentially getting hurt.
A surprising and disappointing trend is the rise of insecure attachment styles over the past decades. As a society, we are increasingly avoidant of intimacy and decreasingly secure in how we form romantic relationships. It’s sometimes convenient to blame the ick when we fear intimacy and want to avoid getting closer to someone. This is not about them, this is about our fears.
The ick and the avoidant attachment style
Attachment styles, as proposed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, refer to the extent to which individuals rely on and depend on others for emotional support and security.
Research has shown that attachment style can influence the experience of “the ick.” For instance, individuals with a more insecure attachment style, particularly those with avoidant tendencies, may be more prone to experiencing “the ick” due to their sensitivity to potential relational flaws. Avoidant attachment style can also lead to a preference for casual relationships and a heightened sensitivity to signs of emotional unavailability or incompatibility, which may contribute to the sudden feeling of repulsion (“the ick”). A way of getting out of closeness.
We can also develop an ick. For instance, if an individual consistently experiences rejection or abandonment in their relationships, they may develop a more avoidant attachment style. This avoidant style, in turn, can make them more susceptible to “the ick” over time.
Fortunately, the opposite can be true as well: if someone consistently experiences secure and supportive relationships, they may develop a more secure attachment style, which can reduce their susceptibility to “the ick.”
Avoiding intimacy: requirement-lists, red flags, and the ick
People with an avoidant attachment style usually have high opinions of themselves and low opinions of others. They create lengthy relationship partner requirement lists and red flag lists to be extremely selective in choosing a potential mate. They have difficulty with closeness and can easily disassociate from uncomfortable feelings or people. They often pull away emotionally or physically from a partner when the conversation or relationship gets too serious and focus on imperfections to de-escalate or end the relationship.
The promotion of getting the ick is appealing to Gen Z, especially women, because it aligns with their values of strength, opinionation, and independence. The relatable, intuitive, and empowering messages that accompany the promotion of getting the ick make it an attractive option for people who want to end relationships if they don’t feel right for any reason.
The ick can be helpful: it can empower women by allowing them to get out of uncomfortable situations or relationships, pay attention to their instincts, raise their standards, and not settle for less than they are worth.
On the flip side, staying single, raising standards, and not settling for “less than one deserves” ultimately shifts the focus to external factors, away from our own fears and difficulties of developing intimacy.
The ick can prevent us from looking inward, reflecting on our own triggers, becoming curious about why we are turned off easily, and having difficult conversations. This ultimately leads to avoiding emotional intimacy both with ourselves and others.
How to Get Over “The Ick”
While “the ick” can feel overwhelming, it’s a surface-level reaction to deeper emotions. Sometimes, it’s tied to attachment difficulties or hesitation about intimacy. Working with a psychologist can help you explore why certain behaviours trigger such strong reactions. It’s a chance to understand your patterns and work toward healthier connections.
At its core, “the ick” is often about projection.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with drinking milk, walking downhill, or learning a new sport -examples people sometimes cite as reasons for their sudden repulsion.
These moments say more about our insecurities than the other person’s actions. By examining these feelings, we can learn to see potential partners more clearly and avoid letting fleeting discomforts sabotage meaningful relationships.
If you’re stuck in the cycle of “icks,” we’re here to help you figure things out.
Please note that this blog post by Personal Psychology, psychologists in North Sydney is not intended to provide professional advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health difficulties, it is important to seek help from a qualified healthcare professional.
