Infidelity is a complex and often painful issue that can destroy relationships. Despite being widely disapproved of across cultures, it occurs with surprising frequency and can have serious consequences for both partners. Let’s talk about the prevalence of cheating, the role of relationship satisfaction, demographic factors, and the influence of work environments on infidelity. What challenges do couples face when infidelity is discovered? What steps can they take in therapy to rebuild trust and heal? By understanding these various aspects, we can better navigate the difficult terrain of infidelity and find paths to recovery and growth.
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Is cheating frowned upon or can it be justified?
Cheating is generally seen as wrong in most cultures and societies. People value being faithful in committed relationships and usually don’t approve of infidelity. However, opinions can change depending on the situation. For example, if one partner has been abusive or cheated before, people might be more understanding of cheating.
many can imagine certain situations where cheating might be more acceptable.
Infidelity is often seen as a big breach of trust, especially in marriages. But many can imagine certain situations where cheating might be more acceptable. When cheating is found out, it can cause a lot of problems in the relationship. Despite this, cheating often goes unnoticed, and even when it is discovered, couples can sometimes work through the issues. In some cases, dealing with infidelity can even help the relationship grow. These are some of the complicated aspects of understanding infidelity.
How common is cheating in relationships?
It is very tricky to measure infidelity due to its social stigma, different sampling methods, and varied interpretations of what counts as cheating. It’s estimated that about 2-4% of spouses cheat each year. Cheating tends to happen more in the summer, possibly because travel makes it easier to have affairs without getting caught. Over a lifetime, it’s thought that around 20-25% of married people will cheat.
Even though most people disapprove of cheating, it’s hard to know exactly how common it is. Most estimates come from surveys or interviews, but people might not always be honest about cheating. Because of this, yearly cheating rates are guessed to be between 2 to 15%, and lifetime rates between 20 to 50%.
Another way to estimate infidelity is by looking at paternity tests, which check if the named father is the biological father. These tests show that paternity discrepancies happen in about 1 to 30% of cases, with an average of around 4%. However, this method isn’t perfect since not all cheating leads to pregnancy, and birth control is widely used.
Why do I want more sex after my partner cheated?
Sexual inducement, having more frequent or more intense sex, is a common response to cheating and falls in the category of mate guarding, but this is a complex question with many potential behaviours.
In long-term relationships, both men and women have evolved strategies to prevent their partners from cheating and to fend off potential rivals. These strategies, known as mate guarding, are crucial for maintaining committed partnerships and avoiding the costs associated with infidelity, such as genetic cuckoldry and reputational damage.
Men’s mate guarding is often triggered when they have young, attractive partners, face rivals with better economic prospects, or suspect their partner of sexual involvement with someone else.
In contrast, women’s mate guarding is usually activated when they have partners with high income and status, face rivals who are more physically attractive, or suspect their partner of emotional involvement with another woman.
Mate guarding behaviours can range from increased vigilance to more extreme actions like violence, depending on the perceived threat.
Vigilance tactics include behaviours like calling a partner unexpectedly to check who they are with, having friends check up on them, dropping by unexpectedly to see what they are doing, and not letting a partner out of sight at social events. These actions are aimed at monitoring the partner’s activities and ensuring they are not engaging with potential rivals.
Other mate guarding tactics are more varied. Concealment involves not taking a partner to events where potential rivals might be present while monopolizing a partner’s time means spending all free time together to prevent them from meeting others. Verbal threats might include warning a partner about breaking up if they cheat, and derogation of competitors involves pointing out a rival’s flaws to make them seem less appealing.
Resource display is another tactic where one might buy expensive gifts to show their partner they are valued. Appearance enhancement involves making oneself look more attractive to the partner – having new clothes, new makeup, or going to fancy places. Sexual inducement includes performing sexual favours to keep the partner interested, either more often, more intensely, or sometimes both. Physical signals of possession, such as holding hands in public, and possessive ornamentation, like wearing a ring, are used to show others that the partner is already in a committed relationship.
These behaviours mirror strategies seen in the animal world as well, such as concealing mates and physically repelling rivals, indicating their effectiveness in maintaining relationships.
Does therapy help after cheating?
Infidelity often feels like a double betrayal because it breaks both the trust in sexual exclusivity and honesty. It also exposes partners to potential sexually transmitted diseases without their knowledge, adding another layer of risk.
Cheating can cause significant relationship problems, leading to conflicts, violence, breakups, and divorce. It’s hard to tell if cheating causes these issues or if troubled relationships lead to cheating. For example, infidelity can trigger jealousy, which can lead to dissatisfaction and more cheating. Regardless, infidelity is generally very disruptive to relationships.
Even though cheating can seriously harm a relationship, many couples manage to stay together. Forgiving and rebuilding trust takes a lot of effort and often involves therapy. Psychologists can help to address power imbalances and communication issues, making it easier for couples to recover. Rebuilding trust is slow and challenging but possible with professional help.
Couples after infidelity enter therapy with more distress than those with other issues, but six months after therapy, these couples doing just as well as the others.
Not surprisingly, couples after infidelity enter therapy with more distress and depression than those with other issues. However, research shows, that six months after therapy these couples doing just as well as the others. This suggests that therapy can be very effective for couples facing infidelity.
How does couples’ therapy help after cheating
Sometimes infidelity is too painful or happens too early in a relationship, and separation is the best option for everyone. However, if the couple is ready to work on it, therapy can help by focusing on three distinct areas.
Addressing the impact of infidelity: Understanding and dealing with the immediate emotional pain and consequences. This can be long and often very painful for both.
Exploring the context and meanings: Understanding why the infidelity happened and what it means for the relationship. Often there are both individual and couple’s reasons that need to be addressed together.
Moving forward: Helping the couple rebuild their relationship and move on after the affair. This often involves new ways of trusting and communicating with each other.
Who cheats more often, males or females?
“Males cheat more often” is a stereotype that might not be accurate anymore. Historically men have been seen as more likely to cheat than women. This idea fits with the evolutionary perspective that suggests infidelity might increase men’s chances of spreading their genes. Research also shows that men can separate love from sex more easily and often have a higher desire to cheat.
Younger men and women report similar rates of cheating.
However, recent studies suggest that when it comes to cheating, the gap between men and women disappeared recently, especially for those under 40-45. Younger men and women report similar rates of cheating. In some cases, unhappy women in relationships are even more likely to cheat than men.
Attachment styles also affect cheating behaviours. Men with a dismissive attachment style and women with a preoccupied attachment style tend to have more partners outside their primary relationship.
Why do people cheat in unhappy relationships?
Relationship factors are more strongly linked to infidelity than personal traits. Lower satisfaction in the primary relationship is often tied to cheating, and this can go both ways: infidelity can cause marital distress, and marital distress can lead to infidelity.
The investment model helps explain this. In this model, commitment is key and includes both emotional attachment and a desire to stay in the relationship. Commitment depends on:
- Relationship satisfaction
- The perceived quality of alternatives (how good other potential partners seem)
- Investments in the relationship (both tangible, like shared possessions, and intangible, like shared experiences)
This model predicts many behaviours that support the relationship, including infidelity.
For instance, a study using data from the National Health and Social Life Survey found that both quantity and quality of sex matter. Less frequent sex in a marriage leads to more infidelity, especially for men. The quality of the sexual relationship also plays a role in whether someone cheats.
Overall, lower satisfaction and less commitment in a relationship often lead to cheating, but improving these areas can help prevent infidelity.
Work and Cheating
Infidelity is not always due to unhappiness at home. People who cheat with coworkers often report higher marital satisfaction than those who cheat with non-coworkers, suggesting they might be acting on available opportunities rather than dissatisfaction.
Infidelity is not always due to unhappiness at home.
Several work-related factors increase the likelihood of cheating. For instance, more work-travel days are directly linked to higher rates of infidelity. Also, jobs that involve personal contact with potential sex partners are more likely to lead to infidelity.
Regarding having more opportunities, having more coworkers of the opposite sex is associated with higher infidelity rates, especially among men.
If one spouse works and the other stays home, there is an increased risk of cheating. However, if both spouses are employed, there is less likelihood of infidelity.
Please note that this blog post by Personal Psychology, psychologists in North Sydney is not intended to provide professional advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health difficulties, it is important to seek help from a qualified healthcare professional.
