Breakups and the resulting distress are unfortunately common. We may experience symptoms of depression, feelings of rejection and betrayal, and physical manifestations such as chest pain and compromised immune function. Let’s see how a psychologist can help you.
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Depression After Breakup
Romantic breakups have been identified as a leading risk factor for depression in our young adults, with over 40% experiencing clinically significant symptoms, and 12% experiencing moderate to severe depression after a breakup.
Predictors of depression after a breakup include insecure attachment styles, perfectionism, and rumination.
Rumination, getting stuck with the same thoughts on repeat, is a key contributor to depression and anxiety. Psychologists can help you to manage these repeated negative thoughts more productively by first recognising what exactly is going through your mind, why, and how to take a more balanced approach.
If you want to practice, try saying “STOP” out loud when you are ruminating about something stressful. It’s surprisingly effective.
While women are more likely than men to experience severe depression and hopelessness after breakups, men face a higher risk of suicide in these situations. Depression is also associated with loneliness, particularly among women, and can lead to physical health complications such as heart attacks and strokes. Brain imaging shows that rejection-related depression is linked to reduced opioid release in brain regions that regulate stress, mood, and motivation, making emotional recovery slower.
Cravings and Love Withdrawal
Romantically rejected people often show symptoms similar to drug withdrawal, such as anxiety, depression, and irritability, with fMRI brain scans revealing brain activity patterns comparable to those seen in drug withdrawal.
The pain and suffering are real, you can’t “just get over it”.
Feeling Betrayed After a Breakup
You might feel betrayed and rejected after a breakup, but if you do, you are even more likely to experience high distress.
Betrayal is defined as the experience of being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of someone who was trusted, often resulting in long-lasting emotional effects, distress, intrusive thoughts, and rumination.
High betrayal in close relationships predicts depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and avoidance, while low betrayal in less close relationships is only mildly associated with anxiety. Common forms of high betrayal include lengthy emotional or psychological mistreatment by someone close, which is why it takes longer to recover emotionally from abusive relationships. In these cases, it is especially important to see a psychologist after a breakup.
Additionally, betrayal has been linked to OCD, PTSD, physical health complaints, and even borderline personality disorder, with women more likely to experience high levels of betrayal and related PTSD symptoms.
Heartbreak and Heart-Ache of a Breakup – How Long Does it Take?
Heartbreak, broken heart syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy, is an acute physical pain in the chest following emotional stress, such as the loss of a loved one.
The good news is that, unlike real heart attacks, heartbreak does not result in the release of cardiac enzymes from damaged heart muscle, and you can recover much faster, often within two months.
While the heart-ache may heel in two months, your body and physical health may be still in distress up to 6 months after a breakup.
Despite feeling like a heart attack, broken heart syndrome does not cause irreversible heart damage, as confirmed by magnetic resonance imaging.
Make-up Break-up Cycles, Rumination, and Physical Health
Romantic breakups are linked to significant physical and emotional distress, often marked by attempts to reconnect with a former partner.
Reconnecting and experiencing the loss again (make-up/break-up) can also lead to physiological changes, including elevated stress hormones, disrupted sleep, and compromised immune function.
Our reduced immune function after a breakup makes us more likely to get sick. Look after yourself, you are especially vulnerable after a breakup!
Cortisol dysregulation, leading to sleep problems such as insomnia, plays a role in these immune changes. Increased heart rate, blood pressure, cortisol, and norepinephrine levels following heartbreak may initially trigger a proinflammatory response, increasing antibodies to prevent infection. However, this prolonged stress ultimately impairs our immune function.
Individuals experiencing loss often show lower white blood cells (natural killer cell activity), which can persist for up to six months, particularly in those with high anxiety, depression, and cortisol levels. These immune changes contribute to a greater incidence of illness and heart disease in individuals coping with loss, highlighting the profound impact of emotional distress on physical health.
So how long does it take to get over someone? Between 2-6 months is not unusual.
While romantic love is associated with elevated oxytocin, heartbreak resembles withdrawal from these neurochemicals. Low serotonin levels, common in both states, may also contribute to the obsessive thoughts experienced both in love and rejection. In other words, we tend ruminate about our loved ones both during and after the relationship, but for different reasons.
How to Get Over Someone?
Time help, but there are lots of things you can do to reduce the distress of romantic breakups. First, accept the new situation and allow yourself to be sad. It’s normal to be down for a bit, but it’s very important not to withdraw from activities you enjoyed before – go see friends and keep exercising!
Tips on how to get over someone
Be realistic, it will be a while – losing someone close, even if you initiated the breakup, will take a while, like several months long while. Be realistic and accept that for a while things will be hard, and validate your own distress and emotions – “Of course I’m sad, and it’s OK for the time being, my mind is doing it’s best to process these hard emotions“
Avoid the “should” – you might punish yourself by creating a list of “shoulds”, but don’t, they are not helpful. Things NOT to say are like “I should be married already” or “I should have done better”. Reflecting on what could have been different is important, but punishing yourself is not helpful.
Put their things away, out of sight – seeing the triggers all the time just keeps your mind ruminating, which is not only exhausting, but can also lead to depressive symptoms
Manage your online presence well after the breakup, we have a dedicate article about it
Don’t drink too much alcohol or take other substances – while these may help temporarily, your mind is not getting a chance to process what happened
Talk to your friends about what happened, but not too much – repeating the story again and again makes everyone feel stuck, both you and your friends. If the breakup is on your mind, again, say it, but ask them to help you to change topics
Stop the rumination – this can be tricky, and a psychologist can help you to get good at it, but sometimes simply saying “STOP” can break the cycle and give your mind a bit of rest
Exercise – not because you want to get super-fit, but because it is tremendously helpful for mental health. Light jogging, or even fast walking for 30 minutes, 3 times a week is enough, just make sure you break a sweat
Don’t over-exhaust yourself – don’t overdo work, or workouts, your body is still struggling, get plenty of rest, you do need it
Keep a routine – go to bed the same time, wake up the same time, eat at the same time, see your friends and family as usual
Reach out for help – sometimes it feels like the pain will never go away, and we might become hopeless and upset all the time. It’s a sign you need to talk to a psychologist about the breakup
Higher self-esteem, for example, has been linked to reduced distress following imagined or real romantic rejections. If you struggle with low self-esteem, it’s a good idea to seek help from a psychologist.
Secure attachment style, in contrast to anxious attachment, is associated with healthier coping strategies, such as relying on friends and family for support. Paradoxically, while people with anxious attachment styles experience greater distress after a breakup, they also report more personal growth following a breakup due to increased self-reflection and the tendency to rebound.
Other factors like forgiveness, finding a new partner, engaging in social support, maintaining a healthy diet, and participating in activities like sports can also alleviate breakup distress.
Therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy, have shown great effectiveness in helping with the emotional and physiological impact of breakup and rejection.
Rebound Relationships or Seeing a Psychologist?
Finding a new romantic partner has been identified as a key factor in overcoming attachment to an ex-partner, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles.
At the same time, remember, the breakup period is very stressful so it is better not to look for a long-term partner right away. Talking to potential partners can be a healthy way to reassure yourself that the world hasn’t ended, but falling into a new relationship, and then experiencing another breakup again, creates more distress than it solves. Take things lightly and slowly, and focus on yourself, your friends and family.
If you feel it’s too hard to do without help, are up all night, or can’t eat, or start to have dark thoughts, it might be a good idea to talk to a psychologist about the breakup. While they can’t just make the pain go away, they can help you to learn more about yourself, what and why happened, how to manage your emotions, and how to find the right long-term partner when you are feeling ready again.
Please note that this blog post by Personal Psychology, psychologists in North Sydney, and is not intended to provide professional advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health difficulties, it is important to seek help from a qualified healthcare professional.
