Being in a long-term relationship when one partner has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be a complex and challenging experience for both, but a long-term relationship is possible indeed. Partners of those with BPD often report experiencing a range of mental health symptoms, like anxiety, sadness, guilt, and anger. They often feel overwhelmed, helpless, and unsupported, which can lead to denial, withdrawal, or even hyper-involvement in their partner’s life through constant monitoring or criticism.
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Sometimes partners feel so responsible that they start to take on parent-like, caretaking, or therapeutic roles within the relationship, blurring the lines of romantic partnership.
As partners often find their loved one’s behaviours and emotional reactions unpredictable and confusing, they feel unsupported by mental health services themselves, leading to isolation from friends who don’t understand the challenging relationship dynamics. However, it’s not all bad. Research suggests that between 30% to 45% of people with BPD are in an intimate relationship. Studies show that the probability of BPD patients who are in remission being married or living with a partner increased from 15.4% to 38% over a 6-year period, suggesting that once a long-term relationship is formed and the couple learns to adapt to the challenges, they reach an “unstable stability” phase.
Outcomes are generally better for partners who have a good understanding of BPD, accept both its positive and negative parts, and learn to look after themselves.
For those who do experience challenges, intervention is vital to manage the impact of BPD on the relationship. Couples DBT, for example, which teaches emotion regulation, communication techniques, and conflict resolution, has been shown to increase relationship satisfaction for both partners.
Walking on Eggshells and Feelings of Helplessness
Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is sometimes described as “walking on eggshells”. It can feel like a constant worry, stress, and emotional demands on the relationship. Sometimes the burden goes beyond emotions, and starts impacting personal and professional lives, and relationships with others, leading to withdrawal and isolation.
As BPD relationships can be tricky for both, research shows that partners often report low satisfaction, constant conflict, and struggles with communication.
As the couple navigates the unpredictability of the big emotions and sudden changes in reactions, this creates confusion and helplessness. According to research, partners express feeling helpless and guilty when they can’t take away the “tortured look” in their loved one’s eyes. There is love, but it’s hard to help and even harder to feel helpless.
Break-up make-up cycles
The ups and downs, namely the pattern of breaking up and getting back together aren’t all that uncommon. In fact, studies show that nearly 70% of couples with a partner who has BPD reported incidents of breaking up and getting back together roughly every six months.
Relationships where one partner has BPD can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster ride. There can be periods of excitement, and relative calm, followed by intense conflict that leads to a breakup. Then, after a while, the couple reconciles, only for the cycle to repeat. This pattern quickly becomes very exhausting for both partners involved.
Data indicates that around 29% of couples in which one partner has BPD may end up breaking up for good within about 18 months of starting a relationship.
It’s important to remember that every relationship is different, and not everyone with BPD experiences relationships in the same way. However, this pattern of intermittent breakups does seem to be a fairly frequent experience for many. Understanding this can be a first step in finding ways to navigate the challenges and build a more stable connection.
BPD’s Impact on Intimacy: Rebuilding Connection and Trust
A significant factor contributing to the breakdown of intimacy is the unpredictable nature of behaviours and emotional reactions that occur in relationships where one partner has BPD. This unpredictability can leave partners feeling confused and unsupported, both within the relationship and from mental health services. Studies show partners often describe feeling uninformed and unheard, struggling to understand how the BPD dynamics change the relationship.
Adding to these challenges are potential issues with sex and intimacy. Research indicates that individuals with BPD may experience heightened sexual impulsivity, sometimes leading to infidelity, reduced sexual satisfaction, and increased sexual boredom. Furthermore, the feeling of being pressured by the partner in sex is uniquely associated with BPD, even when removing the efforts of childhood sexual abuse, making closeness, true intimacy, and sex sometimes challenging for the two.
Rebuilding connection and trust requires addressing these core issues, learning how to communicate openly, and seeking support to navigate the unique challenges presented by BPD. Critically, it’s about creating a safe space where both partners feel understood and supported, so intimacy can flourish once again.
5 Tips to Partners Supporting a Person with BPD
Learn about BPD. You will need to understand what’s going on for your partner and yourself. This is generally a good idea, but critical in this setup. Understanding BPD will help you make sense of your partner’s reactions. While a diagnosis doesn’t excuse anything, it gives you a framework to work with. Make sure to look into reliable resources on BPD, some online forums misrepresent the challenges.
Set boundaries and say no. This is critical but very hard. Both for your well-being and the health of the relationship, you need to have clear boundaries. Define what you’re okay with and what you’re not. Communicate these calmly and clearly and stick to them. Really, very consistently stick to them, especially when it’s hard! For example, it might be something like, “I’m happy to listen, but I won’t tolerate yelling or insults.” If the boundary is crossed, disengage respectfully every single time.
Look after yourself. You can’t run on empty batteries, let alone support someone else. Seriously, carve out time for yourself. This means hitting the gym, spending time with friends, reading a book, playing video games, or whatever helps you recharge. Self-care will give you the energy to handle the challenges that come your way.
Learn to stay calm and communicate clearly. When emotions run high, communicate in a direct, calm, and validating way. You don’t need to agree with what your partner is saying, but you must not shout or get defensive, as those will just make the problem worse. Use “I feel…” and “I understand you are…” statements, such as “I understand you are upset I didn’t respond to your text fast enough, but I feel attacked when you say I don’t love you.” It’s also okay to take a break and reevaluate the conversation when things have cooled down.
Seek professional support. You don’t have to, and sometimes cannot go through this alone. Find a psychologist who understands BPD, join support groups, and talk to trusted friends and family members. Expressing your experiences and getting outside perspectives can be helpful, as long as you listen to them. Just knowing you’re not alone can make a big difference.
Seeing a Psychologist after a BPD relationship
Sometimes, even if you both tried everything, a BPD relationship can end. It can feel like you’re stepping out of a whirlwind. You might be left with a confusing mix of emotions, a deep sense of exhaustion, and a lingering question, “What just happened?” It’s a great time to talk to a psychologist.
A psychologist can help you with understanding your own patterns in the relationship. While initially you will be interested in your ex-partner’s BPD, that won’t be the focus of your recovery. It’s about taking a good look at why you stayed in the relationship, and why you took on roles that you don’t feel you should have.
Therapy can help you figure out why you didn’t walk away sooner, even when things got too complicated, or too intense. This isn’t about blaming yourself or your ex, it’s about understanding your own needs, fears, and beliefs that kept you in the relationship. Perhaps you have a tendency to be overly compassionate, or maybe you have fears of abandonment yourself. Maybe you don’t believe you are worthy of a different relationship.
Taking on a caretaker role is another common pattern. A psychologist can help you explore why you felt the need to look after your partner, often at the expense of your own well-being. This may stem from wanting to be needed, a desire to fix things, or possibly some underlying guilt. Sometimes we want to make our past right by looking after someone else, but that doesn’t work.
The issue of verbal abuse is also important to address. If you’ve endured verbal abuse, it’s easy to blame your partner’s BPD. However, a psychologist will help you understand why you allowed yourself to be treated that way in the first place, and recognise that your tolerance for abuse is more about your own self-worth than it is about them. It’s about learning to value yourself enough to say “no” to that kind of treatment in the future.
While we can’t control everything or everyone, therapy can help you to avoid blaming yourself or others, learn about yourself, make healthier choices, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships moving forward.
Please note that this blog post by Personal Psychology, psychologists in North Sydney, and is not intended to provide professional advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health difficulties, it is important to seek help from a qualified healthcare professional.
